By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
