All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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