Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
