My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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