hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
