woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
