Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i will never coherently bang her
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
