You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
