i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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