Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
