So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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