My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
