you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I stole a fireplace last night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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