Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
