I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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