Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
