There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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