dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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