Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
