you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
