Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
