Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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