I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sext me about skeletons
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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