Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
