Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
