i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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