I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
