hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
