some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
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