I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
