dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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