wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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