Little spoons don't ask big questions
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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