Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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