I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
