and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
