this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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