i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
