I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
