just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I showed him my bush... on skype.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
