the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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