I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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