I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
