I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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