First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
