Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
