i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
