Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
