don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
