I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
