dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
