i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
