I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
