At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
