there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
